.don't burn the library til you've read all the books.

If anyone who happens across my blog also happens to be working toward an MLS right now, this is for you: I have lots of questions about getting your library science degree - in particular, what is the curriculum like? What exactlydo you study? I'm really interested because I think that's what I want to go for whenever I finally manage to return to school. I tried sending for information from one school, but their brochures told me next to nothing.

.without 40 oz. of social skills.

I had this weird idea on the bus several days ago: that I could do a Flickr photography project dealing with my social anxiety, with the goal to be to help me overcome it - at least a little.
It came to me while I was thinking about how nifty it was to have a camera phone and be able to take pictures wherever I was. I thought I could call it "Impressions" and make my goal to be, like, 5 people a month? Or maybe I should do more - not sure. But what I would be doing is going out, seeking people who seem friendly and talking to them just enough to explain the project and ask them if I can take their picture. And then, to ask them 1 thing about themselves and 1 impression they had about me upon meeting me. I was even thinking that I could make it a teensy bit easier on myself by making a T-shirt that says "Ask me about my Impressions Project" and wearing that sometimes. Maybe then, people would come to me. The goal would not be even to necessarily create lasting relationships with these people, so I wouldn't have to *worry* about how they see me. I mean, if I meet cool people I connect with, great - but that's not what it's about. It's just to desensitize myself to that fear of talking to new people and to help me see how I really appear to others rather than how I think I appear.
Anyway, this is just an idea in its infant stage. I have many of those and that doesn't always mean I follow through. But it gave me a few hours of excitement over the possibility at least.

.i've had enough of breakdowns and diagrams.

I went to the doctor for my breathing problems today. She still thinks it's just the acid reflux, prescribed me new medication and told me to call her in 6 weeks if I am still having difficulty.

Meanwhile, I made *actual plans* for this weekend and possibly (probably) next Wednesday. Actual semi-social plans. And I'm thinking about going to see Rilo Kiley in May, because I can.

I also saw my therapist for the first time in a very long time yesterday, but we didn't discuss much. Just my treatment plan review. Today, on the way back from my doctor's office, I stopped in at an apothecary (I guess that's what you'd call it) and talked to a woman who worked there. She suggested a few natural remedies for anxiety and I bought a couple of small bottles to try them out. We'll see how that works out.

.sick of sittin' around here trying to write this book.

Now that I have finished the full rewrite of Ordinary World, I am thinking I might take a break from it for awhile. That means no editing yet until I've had the chance to step back and forget about it for a bit. In the meantime, I might try to see if I can bribe a few people to read parts of it and tell me what they might change. AND (!!!) I can begin outlining a new novel. Maybe this time I can put more into the plotting of it so that I know the full story before I start! What a revolutionary concept! *LOL* Yeahhhh.

.written down, sliced around.

I. just. finished. my. book.

Holy crap. I can’t believe I finished it.

Now for the editing process. Meh.

.(don't) take my breath away.

I am having breathing problems again. Basically, if I eat or drink anything more than a bite or a sip, it's at its worst. But I really have the problems all the time - whether I eat or not. In fact, if I am feeling really hungry (with stomach pains, growls and all that), my chest usually really burns then, too. But anyway, I alternated between Zantac and Prevacid for a few months and it helped a little - at least to where I was usually able to breathe. But now it's back and it's worse. I stopped taking the acid reducers for a little while, because the box says that you shouldn't take them over two weeks. I've started back on the Prevacid (since last weekend), but it isn't doing a whole lot. I feel as if I have something constantly stuck in my esophagus. At night, I find it hard to get to sleep because of this. At work, pushing around book carts winds me. But even at the office job, I've sat in my desk chair gasping for air. Having dealt with asthma and other respiratory issue much of my 30 years, I know that caffeine helps for breathing ...but coffee has started to give me heartburn, especially if it is strong. And the heartburn may be agitating the whole respiratory issue. I think that any anxiety whatsoever also agitates it. Maybe eating tiny portions throughout the day would help, but I have very specific periods of time that I can eat - the rest of the time I am working. This is affecting every aspect of my life. I really don't even feel like carrying on a conversation for very long since I can't breathe enough when I speak, so you can imagine the strain on personal relationships. I am trying everything: herbal remedies, sitting up straight, eating less spicy stuff (but I never ate anything *that* spicy in the first place - just a little garlic and onion here and there), trying to consciously take deep breaths, trying not to wear anything confining (bras included) longer than I have to. Nothing has helped. I SHOULD be able to breathe without thinking about it the way I used to, right? That is what normal folks do, right? I really can't go on like this, but unfortunately, I can't see my doctor until next Thursday. I'm completely open to suggestions.

.a road to nowhere.

I get asked a lot how I ended up in Chicago after growing up in a small town in North Carolina. I never know quite how to answer them. Sometimes I would joke that I flipped a coin or closed my eyes and pointed to a map. I try not to do it as much these days, since people started to take me seriously.

So, how did I end up here? Honest answer: I have no earthly idea. I applied to school in several large cities, because I was desperate to escape small town life. Schools in Boston, New York, Chicago, even Cincinnati (I totally have the WKRP theme in my head now). I got into every single school I applied to, though, so why Chicago? I had always dreamed of New York or Boston, with their many literary associations. Yet, when it came down to the wire, I chose Illinois.

Some scattered bits of justification for such a strange decision: I was originally going to major in Sociology, and Chicago is where that started as a field of study.
My old Soc teacher at the community college I attended in NC was awesome and she talked a lot about Chicago. I also had started talking to several people online who were really cool and from Chicago. I guess that made me think I might actually have a social circle when I got here (which is hysterical, since I lost touch with all of them and didn't even meet more than two of them in person). It had nothing to do with the guy I was seeing at the time, though he did come up here with me. He probably would have gone to Cincinnati, too, but frankly, I really didn't care and would have been happier if I left him behind. Yes, that was something I knew even then, but my brother told me he couldn't drive me so the boyfriend was the only option. I am a bad person. I'm sure I will be interesting company in Hell.

In conclusion, I have no idea what brought me here. It may as well have been a flip of a coin. I'm just glad I did end up here, though. Most of the time, that is. I assume that the road won't end here, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.

.when you drop your tools and you stand alone.

I should start by saying that I am not a very political person. I vote and I certainly have some things I would stand up for. I've been to protests and rallies for these things and I would do so again. I consider myself a liberal. But no, I am not very political. I know people who keep up with politics twenty times more than I do. I'm not proud of what could be construed as apathy, but I tend to find myself drawn to other things more often than not.

Despite this fact, I think that this year is an exciting year for politics. I think that it's absolutely awe-inspiring that we have two minority candidates and not only that, that they are the ones getting the most media coverage. This morning my girlfriend had on a talk-radio show and it made me think about this year's election. It made me want to know more about what's going on with the primaries and the presidential candidates. It's hard to know where to start, though, when you know so little about politics.

On a totally unrelated note: I've actually made a little progress on the novella this week and could manage to be done by next week if I keep plugging along. I'm putting off any poetry or short story writing until this damned thing is done, seeing as how I've been working on it forever (or so it seems). I will, however, try and update this blog more often. I'm afraid, however, that I have very little to say. I haven't exactly been keeping myself social lately and this weekend I will be taking the last of my meds with no refill. My birthday is next month and so maybe I will do something slightly social for that - though nothing like last year.

"We turn not older with years, but newer every day." --Emily Dickinson