Sunday, April 13, 2008

.ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard.

I haven't posted in awhile, which may be due to lack of time, lack of sleep or lack of anything of interest to say. Probably all of the above.

The last time I posted was when I went to the poetry workshop at the library where I work. It may have been the most alive I've felt in awhile. Today's a crappy Sunday: the sun keeps poking out, teasing, but it still feels dreary. Plus, it's already 2pm and I haven't done anything but sit around online and look for something to do. Heh, yeah. Sure is easier than getting out and actually doing it.

Regarding recovery from anxiety, I would like to report that I am now officially psych med free. I saw my psychiatrist after missing an appointment last month and running out of meds. She asked me how long I had been off meds and I told her I'd been off Wellbutrin since late February. I said that I'd been ok and I even made sure to mention how, when I was still on the drugs I had gone out and suffered a panic attack. She asked me, "Do you want to try continuing on the Wellbutrin?" I shrugged, told her I wasn't sure if it had really helped and then asked her what she thought.

I guess she could tell I wasn't too enthusiastic about being on meds and she said, "I think you will be ok without it. You just wanna try therapy alone for awhile?" I did, so we agreed on that. However, she also got on me about how my usual report to her goes something like this: "I don't know if the meds are doing much for anxiety since I haven't really been social lately." She told me that "behavioral therapy is desensitizing yourself to the things that make you anxious so that they don't make you anxious anymore" and she said that I am not going to stop having panic attacks and I'm not going to have less anxiety until I push myself to do things that scare me. Tell me something I don't know.

Anyway, no more meds means I won't be seeing this psychiatrist anymore. I also have a new therapist as of this past Thursday. I've switched counseling centers since I am currently living on the northwest side. So far I have only had an intake and can't yet discern how things are going to work out with this therapist. It's hard for me to really trust a therapist or feel like I really want to talk to them about certain things. My therapist at UIC was the best I ever had and I miss having someone I felt I could talk to that much - and who could draw me out when I was feeling pretty stingy with my thoughts and emotions. I am trying to carry high hopes for this one, though. She seems nice so far, so I'm crossing my fingers.

Since I last posted, I also got a tattoo to cover a bad decision tattoo I got when I was in my early twenties. I got Kathy's aunt to dye and color my hair. I've been out a few times. Friday night, we went to see a band and some stand-up comedians in Aurora at Walter Payton's Roundhouse. Last weekend, we went to Wicker Park to see my friend, Mike.

Life is busy, but I am really trying to make more time for the things that need improvement. I am open to suggestions.


  1. Were you seeing your therapist via the OAPS clinic, while at UIC?

    Changing therapists can be tricky, especially if you liked your previous one and will inevitably make comparisons between the two. I hope you connect with the new therapist!

  2. I liked my *old, old* therapist, not the one I was switching from. But yes, I hope we connect, too.

    OAPS? I don't know what that is, so I'd have to say no.

  3. OAPS is the outpatient clinic run by UIC's Psych. dept. The biggest advantage of seeking treatment via them is that they have *really* generous sliding scale. As low as $10 per week.

  4. Good luck with the new therapist.
    What's your tattoo of?