I have been fighting it for awhile: the need to resume my medication. The last time I went to see my psychiatrist, she upped my dosage and I became a narcoleptic, somewhat frigid Louise. This was not my intention. I never wanted my libido to go bye-bye, since I have a girlfriend. And since I have actual things to do with my life, I would like to not sleep through it. So yes, this is a problem. And I've had similar problems with all the meds I've been on. In fact, my doctor said that the problems regarding my libido would probably be there no matter what I am on. Well...fuck.
So I just stopped. I filled my prescription and then, never took a single pill. I just didn't want to. I'm tired of *needing* medication so much. I'm afraid of needing it my entire life, and I don't want to. Especially since the side effects suck so much.
10 little mgs of Lexapro. 10, and I am completely no fun. I can't drink, because that will only make me more likely to conk out on whoever I am with. I can't stay out late, because I start to feel exhausted. I really can't do anything worth doing.
But then there is life OFF my meds: searching for constant reassurance that I am not an idiot, not dull, not ugly, not just an all-around terrible, insane loser. Life without medication means that, yes, I can drink, go out, stay up late and that I am even interested in fooling around again. But that's only between the deep and deeper lows I experience; oversensitivity to everything (facial expressions, tones of voice, etc.), social anxiety on overdrive (feeling stupid no matter what I say to people, shaking, feeling dizzy because I am basically hyperventilating, and thus, becoming a recluse, despite my overwhelming desire for human contact), and the feeling that I am completely losing my marbles. This doesn't make me very much fun, either. And the libido issue? It doesn't matter so much when you lose your desire because you're in tears and all you can think about is how much you dislike youself
So, this is where the dilemna lies. Neither option is particularly favorable. I don't want to lose someone I love because I am such a mess, though; I don't want to feel like such a mess, either.
Looks like it's back to the meds. At least until January, when I see my doctor and look into other options. I know it's something I should have done long before now. If only I could learn to be more straightforward with my psychiatrists.