Friday, December 7, 2007

One Pill Makes You Small...

I have been fighting it for awhile: the need to resume my medication. The last time I went to see my psychiatrist, she upped my dosage and I became a narcoleptic, somewhat frigid Louise. This was not my intention. I never wanted my libido to go bye-bye, since I have a girlfriend. And since I have actual things to do with my life, I would like to not sleep through it. So yes, this is a problem. And I've had similar problems with all the meds I've been on. In fact, my doctor said that the problems regarding my libido would probably be there no matter what I am on. Well...fuck.

So I just stopped. I filled my prescription and then, never took a single pill. I just didn't want to. I'm tired of *needing* medication so much. I'm afraid of needing it my entire life, and I don't want to. Especially since the side effects suck so much.

10 little mgs of Lexapro. 10, and I am completely no fun. I can't drink, because that will only make me more likely to conk out on whoever I am with. I can't stay out late, because I start to feel exhausted. I really can't do anything worth doing.

But then there is life OFF my meds: searching for constant reassurance that I am not an idiot, not dull, not ugly, not just an all-around terrible, insane loser. Life without medication means that, yes, I can drink, go out, stay up late and that I am even interested in fooling around again. But that's only between the deep and deeper lows I experience; oversensitivity to everything (facial expressions, tones of voice, etc.), social anxiety on overdrive (feeling stupid no matter what I say to people, shaking, feeling dizzy because I am basically hyperventilating, and thus, becoming a recluse, despite my overwhelming desire for human contact), and the feeling that I am completely losing my marbles. This doesn't make me very much fun, either. And the libido issue? It doesn't matter so much when you lose your desire because you're in tears and all you can think about is how much you dislike youself

So, this is where the dilemna lies. Neither option is particularly favorable. I don't want to lose someone I love because I am such a mess, though; I don't want to feel like such a mess, either.

Looks like it's back to the meds. At least until January, when I see my doctor and look into other options. I know it's something I should have done long before now. If only I could learn to be more straightforward with my psychiatrists.


  1. i take my meds religiously. i'll take the side effects any day. small price price to pay for mental health.

    best wishes

  2. One of the things that bothered me about meds is the potential for side-effects.
    I avoid cold medicine like the plague, and, I try not to take pain meds unless I have to.
    So, when I set foot in my therapist's office for the first time, I said "no" to medication.
    Fortunately, with work, I was able to figure out that my GAD was not organic, and, for the most part, have been able to work my issues out.
    Not knowing you very well, I have to ask; given the fact that you've moved around a lot, I can't help but wonder if you've ever sat down, even recently, with your psychiatrist and tried to verbally work through some of your issues.
    I'm not knocking what you're doing, but sometimes it may not be what's best.

  3. Yeah, I agree. Some of it is definitely that there are a lot of things I haven't worked out. A lot of it is that I don't actually trust my therapist, which I know means I need a new one. But of course, I feel afraid to ask for one (or to drop the one I have). It's completely neurotic.
    I have had good therapists, and in fact, used to have a really great one when I went to UIC. I miss her terribly, because she really *got* me and I feel like I worked a lot out back then. I also felt better back then, but too long away from that and I went right back to being an insecure mess.

    On a side note, I am seeing my psychiatrist this week and gods-willing, I am going to do my best to explain why I do not want to be on meds anymore. But I also need to figure out an alternative.