I'm posting another entry about nothing, but I am posting two in one week. A woman I work with - another shelver - told me this week (after asking how my writing is going and hearing my reply that it's just "ok, not great"), "at least you're writing. Some people can't even do that." Simple as it is, it's just so true. I may not always produce something with a point or that is particularly brilliant, but I do write...and constantly, too. I write long, long emails to people and jot down ideas and thoughts almost daily now. Once I am back on meds (yes, that will be soon...probably, anyway), Kathy thinks I should keep a log of any changes I feel - so that's another thing that I can use my journal (or rather, my "everything book" as it has become more of a place for everything: to do lists, fragments, recipes, quotes and other things to remember, ideas, etc.) for. I'd keep a second one especially for that, but that's just too much for me to carry around or remember to use.
Anyway, I just wanted to save and share some recently found checkout receipts from the library.
I really like this one, just because we have similar literary tastes:
Title: Survivor: a novel/by Chuck Palahniuk
Due Date: 11-27-07
Title: Invisible Monsters/by Chuck Palahniuk
Due Date: 11-27-07
Title: Haunted: a novel of short stories/by Chuck Palahniuk
Due Date: 11-27-07
Title: Save Me The Waltz/by Zelda Fitzgerald
Due Date: 11-27-07
Title: The Haunting of Hill House/by Shirley Jackson
Due Date: 11-27-07
Title: Just An Ordinary Day/by Shirley Jackson
Due Date: 11-27-07
Since I am putting them in order of dates, the next one is from earlier this year. I have no idea why some receipts tell you the author or creator of an item and others don't.
Title: Masquerade: a Blue Bloods novel
Due Date: 03-30-09
Title: Love, Ghosts & Facial Hair
Due Date: 03-30-09
Title: Forever
Due Date: 03-30-09
(I wonder if that's the Judy Blume book. I'm sure there are half a dozen books called Forever, though.)
Title: Head Games
Due Date: 03-30-09
Title: Honey, Baby, Sweetheart
Due Date: 03-30-09
Title: The Devouring
Due Date: 03-30-09
Finally, we have a receipt from this month. I found it on the shelf in the mystery section.
Title: On the Prowl: tales of an urban werewolf / Karen MacInen
Due Date: 5-20-09
Title:A Body To Die For / G.A McKevett
Due Date: 5-20-09
Title: The Columbian Exchange: biological & cultural consequences
(it actually cuts off at “consequ”)
Due Date: 5-27-09
Title: Dirge for a Dorset Druid: a Penny Spring and Sir Toby Glendower mystery
(another one that cut off but I finished it by looking it up on the SPL catalog)
Due Date: 5-27-09
Title: Running Hot / Jayne Ann Krentz
Due Date: 5-20-09
Title: The Chicago River: a history in photographs
Due Date: 5-27-09
Title: Crucified / Michael Slade
Due Date: 5-20-09
Title: Headless Body in Topless Bar: the best headline from America's favorite newspaper
(it cut off at “from Am” but I looked it up, too)
Due Date: 5-20-09
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I am just being random right now. It's a lovely day, but hot. Still, maybe once I manage to get everything I need to get done indoors out of the way (a couple of phone calls and updating my mp3 player playlists for work tonight - which isn't a big deal, but it's something I want to do) I will go for a walk or sit outside and write a little.
This weekend my plan is to not overdo things. I have clean clothes, I will try not to sit around the house and grimace over how dusty and disorganized things are and I will go to the park and people-watch, do some journaling. Perhaps I will do some reading out on the deck, out in the sun. I have a hair appointment on Saturday to finally get it cut - it's time for a change.
One of these days I'll get around to writing a little more about what I have been up to lately (it's a lot...so much that I want to schedule myself free time the way my friend, Ammie does). For now, I'll just end this here and go get be productive elsewhere.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
.between the moon and you.
I've been struggling with myself for the last hour to not get frustrated and annoyed with all I have done today, but it isn't working. I just took a walk to the local branch of the Chicago Public Library. They're not open today, but I wanted to drop a book I recently finished in the outdoor drop. On the way there and back, I took note of what a nice day it was. Lots of sunshine, not too hot or too cold. This was the first time, though, that I had left the house today.
I know that I have been productive this weekend, but I hate that nagging feeling that I wasn't quite productive enough. Yesterday, I even managed a somewhat social outing when Kathy and I joined my friend, Bill from the library for an early dinner/late lunch and a movie in Lakeview. We did a bit of walking and I got to enjoy the nice weather yesterday.
I actually even tackled a number of things from my daily list, leaving only two or three unaccomplished for today. I backed up all the files on my laptop, did some laundry so I'd have clean socks for the upcoming week, picked up a Reader (something I do weekly in order to check out any upcoming events and to read Savage Love and News of the Weird), put the first few discs of a new audiobook on my mp3 player, finished my Netflix DVD and finished editing the second draft of my novel (i.e, it now has an ending I am mostly happy with - or as happy as I will probably ever be with an ending that I wrote).
Still, I feel like I really have done nothing. I know what it is. The nagging feeling that it's never enough - I have this desperate need to have more reflective time and always, I have this strong urge to write. To get it all down. Every single thing I think or see or hear. And yes, I know - I am writing, but it's not what I mean.
I realize I have written nothing fresh in so long that I am beginning to feel I don't have it in me anymore. It's the one thing, the major thing I always wanted to do with my life and I am just barely doing it. I wrote a second novel in November, but it was terrible and needs a lot more work before I can do anything with it. The first novel, the one I just finished editing (again), is the same one I have been working on forever and a day - and I still don't feel like it's perfect enough for publication (though, thank god I have an ending now that isn't completely lame and I said what I wanted to say with it, too). It would be wonderful to get it out of my own head for awhile and into someone else's hands, but I can seem to stop feeling worried that it isn't good enough.
In the meantime, I walk around in a daze, writing long pieces of creative nonfiction (i.e, personal nonfiction/memoir - as that is the kind of creative nonfiction I lean toward writing most) in my head - but with little time to jot down ideas or notes. All these long passages of prose in my head that I never get to put on paper - or by the time I do, they are gone.
I guess what I need is an outlet. I need to write some smaller pieces and I need time and quiet (back to the need for reflective time, which has been another persistent gnawing lately) to put them together without distraction (i.e, work, the Internet, pets, errands, worries, people, television and even just being uncomfortable). Then I need some timely feedback.
The problem is: I really don't know what to write when it comes to smaller pieces. Especially since my future goal is always (yes, always) publication and most of my short writing seems to have no main idea. This, of course, is because all of the short writing I have done since college has been blog entries. And they're all just personal ramblings of the pointless kind. I can't even seem to keep this blog on track. Initially, I started it as a way of keeping track of my progress through anxiety and toward a more fulfilling life. I think I get off-subject more often than I am on target.
And as far as feedback, I no longer have the good fortune of being surrounded by writers and aspiring writers everyday. No one has to read and comment on my work for next week's class or next month's writer's group meeting. Admittedly, I've lost some of the will it takes to hound other people to read my work and offer their opinions, too.
So instead of feeling like finishing my novel - or rather, giving it a proper ending - is a milestone, I end up feeling like it was a device for procrastination. Which, quite possibly it was. And in finishing something that seemed to be holding me back, I should feel better - but I don't. I just feel more incomplete.
I know that I have been productive this weekend, but I hate that nagging feeling that I wasn't quite productive enough. Yesterday, I even managed a somewhat social outing when Kathy and I joined my friend, Bill from the library for an early dinner/late lunch and a movie in Lakeview. We did a bit of walking and I got to enjoy the nice weather yesterday.
I actually even tackled a number of things from my daily list, leaving only two or three unaccomplished for today. I backed up all the files on my laptop, did some laundry so I'd have clean socks for the upcoming week, picked up a Reader (something I do weekly in order to check out any upcoming events and to read Savage Love and News of the Weird), put the first few discs of a new audiobook on my mp3 player, finished my Netflix DVD and finished editing the second draft of my novel (i.e, it now has an ending I am mostly happy with - or as happy as I will probably ever be with an ending that I wrote).
Still, I feel like I really have done nothing. I know what it is. The nagging feeling that it's never enough - I have this desperate need to have more reflective time and always, I have this strong urge to write. To get it all down. Every single thing I think or see or hear. And yes, I know - I am writing, but it's not what I mean.
I realize I have written nothing fresh in so long that I am beginning to feel I don't have it in me anymore. It's the one thing, the major thing I always wanted to do with my life and I am just barely doing it. I wrote a second novel in November, but it was terrible and needs a lot more work before I can do anything with it. The first novel, the one I just finished editing (again), is the same one I have been working on forever and a day - and I still don't feel like it's perfect enough for publication (though, thank god I have an ending now that isn't completely lame and I said what I wanted to say with it, too). It would be wonderful to get it out of my own head for awhile and into someone else's hands, but I can seem to stop feeling worried that it isn't good enough.
In the meantime, I walk around in a daze, writing long pieces of creative nonfiction (i.e, personal nonfiction/memoir - as that is the kind of creative nonfiction I lean toward writing most) in my head - but with little time to jot down ideas or notes. All these long passages of prose in my head that I never get to put on paper - or by the time I do, they are gone.
I guess what I need is an outlet. I need to write some smaller pieces and I need time and quiet (back to the need for reflective time, which has been another persistent gnawing lately) to put them together without distraction (i.e, work, the Internet, pets, errands, worries, people, television and even just being uncomfortable). Then I need some timely feedback.
The problem is: I really don't know what to write when it comes to smaller pieces. Especially since my future goal is always (yes, always) publication and most of my short writing seems to have no main idea. This, of course, is because all of the short writing I have done since college has been blog entries. And they're all just personal ramblings of the pointless kind. I can't even seem to keep this blog on track. Initially, I started it as a way of keeping track of my progress through anxiety and toward a more fulfilling life. I think I get off-subject more often than I am on target.
And as far as feedback, I no longer have the good fortune of being surrounded by writers and aspiring writers everyday. No one has to read and comment on my work for next week's class or next month's writer's group meeting. Admittedly, I've lost some of the will it takes to hound other people to read my work and offer their opinions, too.
So instead of feeling like finishing my novel - or rather, giving it a proper ending - is a milestone, I end up feeling like it was a device for procrastination. Which, quite possibly it was. And in finishing something that seemed to be holding me back, I should feel better - but I don't. I just feel more incomplete.
Monday, May 4, 2009
.it's food nouveau.
I don't usually post much about anything in particular - or I don't feel I do. But I read a lot of food blogs that are often more like food porn considering all the gorgeous pictures: Urban Vegan, Smitten Kitchen and (the awesomely titled) It Ain't Meat, Babe - just to name a few. And also I've been trying to cook more on occasion, when both time and my (often thin-running) patience allow.
Last night, Kathy and I decided to make tabouli for the first time this year. It's a nice, refreshing and mostly spring-like (to me, anyway) salad that I have been known to make with Neat East's roasted garlic & olive oil couscous, diced cucumbers and tomatoes, mint, parsley and lemon juice. Fairly simple. This time, though, we did cheat more than usual - we used Fantastic brand's tabouli mix so that all we had to add were the vegetables (and extra mint and lemon juice because we like it like that).
The tabouli was a side dish to our grilled eggplant.
And finally, I also made blueberry muffins last night. Not just any blueberry muffins, though. Nuh-uh. You see, I have been dying to see how well something baked the vegan way would turn out. Now I know - I made my very first ever vegan blueberry muffins.
They were quite good, actually and I have some left over for a couple of days. I'm sure they'll be a nice mid-day snack at work. I'm a vegetarian but not vegan. Nevertheless, it makes me happy to try a vegan recipe and not screw it up. :)
EDIT: I've included the recipe below. :)
VEGAN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS
INGREDIENTS
3/4 cup soy milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 cup water
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup sugar
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup blueberries
DIRECTIONS
1. Mix wet ingredients. Mix dry ingredients. Add blueberries to dry ingredients and coat with the flour mixture. Mix together and bake at 400 F for about 18 minutes, or until golden brown.
Last night, Kathy and I decided to make tabouli for the first time this year. It's a nice, refreshing and mostly spring-like (to me, anyway) salad that I have been known to make with Neat East's roasted garlic & olive oil couscous, diced cucumbers and tomatoes, mint, parsley and lemon juice. Fairly simple. This time, though, we did cheat more than usual - we used Fantastic brand's tabouli mix so that all we had to add were the vegetables (and extra mint and lemon juice because we like it like that).
The tabouli was a side dish to our grilled eggplant.
And finally, I also made blueberry muffins last night. Not just any blueberry muffins, though. Nuh-uh. You see, I have been dying to see how well something baked the vegan way would turn out. Now I know - I made my very first ever vegan blueberry muffins.
They were quite good, actually and I have some left over for a couple of days. I'm sure they'll be a nice mid-day snack at work. I'm a vegetarian but not vegan. Nevertheless, it makes me happy to try a vegan recipe and not screw it up. :)
EDIT: I've included the recipe below. :)
VEGAN BLUEBERRY MUFFINS
INGREDIENTS
3/4 cup soy milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 cup water
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup sugar
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup blueberries
DIRECTIONS
1. Mix wet ingredients. Mix dry ingredients. Add blueberries to dry ingredients and coat with the flour mixture. Mix together and bake at 400 F for about 18 minutes, or until golden brown.
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