Wednesday, December 16, 2009

.the new day breaks and i'm working on a dream.

It's nearly noon, I'm at the office and my boss hasn't shown up yet. I'm thinking about how being here feels like such a time suck, such a waste of time. I am typing up labels, though - sort of. Well, clearly I'm not now, but I was. I was typing labels (for "inactive" clients, mind you) and then I started searching on Craigslist for other jobs. I found a few I thought I might be able to do and sent them to myself so I can apply later. And then I went back to labels. But then I started thinking about how I was going to need to write a blog later and I might as well get started on that. That brings me to now and typing this. 

I've made a lot of mistakes at the office over the last few months - mistakes that were careless, mistakes I didn't catch. I am not proud of this and I take full responsibility for them. There's really no excuse - you're hired to do a job, you should do it and do it right. Right? But you see what I do at work: I check my email, I check my Facebook, I look at other jobs on Craigslist (because anything sounds better than this job) and I type blog entries. This is how one makes mistakes that may (or may not) cost her her job - by rushing through one boring, mindless task to get to do something she wants to do before her boss gets back to the office. I'm only here ten hours a week and it's not enough time to mess around and do a good job. I know this...and yet, I keep doing it. 

I've had office jobs before. I worked hard and enjoyed the work. But just something about being here in this office only drives me to this: slacking off. And I am really not a slacker. I love the library and I work my butt off there. I would like to be there forever and so I act like it. Herein lies the problem, you see. I do not want to be at this office. I want to be either shelving more books or writing them. I want to be watching movies or walking the dogs or privately dancing freestyle around my bedroom while my cat looks on wearily. Hell, I'd rather be scooping the litter box or cleaning up doggy puke (which just happens to be fresh on my brain since Barney was sick last week) than doing this. I want to be doing just about anything than coming to this office. I don't want to listen to my boss bicker with her husband, don't want to see her scowling face or deal with her generally pissy attitude and I really, really don't want to listen to her play either the same instrumental Christmas album on repeat or that goddamned Rocky soundtrack. Not ever. And please, don't even get me started on my issues with the office itself. I'd have to give you details on the many beasties I must avoid and the fact that it's a heating company and the damned place is freezing!

There actually was a time when I liked it here, but it has passed and has been a long time gone. It's been an ongoing theme in my life - this feeling of being fed up with things that I am finding it hard to change. I know I am in a rut, but how does one get out of a rut when even sending your resume everywhere yields no results? I'm just not qualified enough for much of anything and it's depressing.

My optimism, though, tells me there is nowhere to go but up. But then a little voice in my head tells me that I am nowhere near the bottom (I do know that, actually, since I do somehow have a roof over my head and food), but it is lurking forebodingly in my near future. 

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