I sat down to write and forgot everything I was going to say. This has been a constant for me lately: forgetfulness. Well, forgetfulness and inability to complete anything. I have been trying to finish watching Sarah Polley's directorial debut, Away From Her for some time now, but I have to pause and leave it regularly. Irony of ironies: if you haven't seen it, it's about a woman suffering from Alzheimer's.
Trying to fit things into my days and my life when I am so much of an introvert (i.e., doing so much, around so many people, can drain me quicker than anything) and when I have so many endless errands (as my former therapist liked to call them) is proving to be a trying task. I jot notes for blogs and stories in my journal, but it takes me forever to sit down with it and type it, shaping it into what I want it to be. I have made a lot of gestures toward submitting work (poems, personal essays, etc.) to zines of online acquaintances...but none of these have made it out of the gate, yet. If only I could manage my Internet addiction better, too. I actually have a real problem with this: I get online, planning to only spend a few minutes, and the next thing I know I've wasted an hour or more. I could never seriously ask someone to police me on this, because I'd probably just get annoyed with said person. So I have to figure out a way to police myself. If I am writing online (this blog, or even managing to answer a longer email I've been wanting to get to), I don't feel so bad. But browsing, looking up stuff, reading blogs, etc. - after awhile, I start to feel really guilty because I feel like I've wasted so much of my time.
And time is a constant worry for me. I don't know what it is, but I never feel like I have enough time. Not enough time in the day, not enough time in my life. Every single second is a step toward nonexistence and just the thought that I am not doing everything I could be with my life sends me into a panic. Which in turn depresses me, demobilizing me and there, it starts again. Vicious cycle.
That's what this month is for, though, right? Getting myself back in the groove of living. I just have to figure out how to fit things in and get things done, get my needs met...and don't collapse in the process. Maybe I need more vitamins.