Monday, April 20, 2009

.can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy.

It's one of those evenings where I feel cold and distant from everything, like I am a planet all to myself. I have no one around to talk to and nothing to really talk about, though my mind is spinning around so many things at once. Mostly because I was putting together a new playlist for my mp3 player and I was touching on songs I love, and ones I want to hear again. Songs bring memories or trails of thought attached to them. All of these things give way to the strange mood I am in which is somewhere between complacent and melancholy. I suppose I may just be tired as the hour creeps toward 11pm. It's been a long day - one of those where I work from 10am until 9pm.

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the way things are and the way I want them to be. And I've been thinking a great deal about the person I am and realizing more and more ugly things about myself that I am trying to process. How do you make something detestable into something more positive? I suppose I am talking in riddles, not giving enough information for anyone else to roll these thoughts around or provide insight. For the moment, it may just have to stay that way. You may have noticed I'm a pretty guarded individual anyway. I think it may be awhile before I can form these thoughts into words I would be willing to share with anyone else. Let's just say I am not happy with myself - with my thoughts, with my actions, with the current state of most things in my life. I feel stuck in many ways and don't know how to get unstuck. At least not without making my life very uncomfortable. I should stop there since I am clearly not going to elaborate.

I just felt the need to write something tonight and it came out like mad ramblings. But anyway...

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